The Curvy Goddess

Clearout

I don’t know if its spring or years of working in administration, but I am at the moment conducting a life clearout.  Yes I’m merging blog ideas, binning old ones and at home I am being ruthless with material objects.  And more scarily I want my stuff to be organised so I know where to look for bank statements, etc...

It all started a few years ago...  As I have mentioned here many times, my parents live in Malta, however they did for a long time live in a nice terraced house in Hampshire, complete with loft and bedrooms for us all to store hoards of crap that my brothers and myself didn’t really want to take with us to our new grown up abodes. 

As a result I spent my 26^th Birthday in my parents loft sorting through all of my childhood crap, most went in the bin, a lot went to charity shops and a very small amount I wanted to keep. 

Over the years I have moved from house to house, each time losing a little more of my stuff.  Some things however have always been quite safe from my urge to purge, mainly books and CDs.  Just before Christmas whilst cleaning and clearing up my desk, I suddenly felt quite cluttered by all of my CDs which are stacked on rack around my desk.  And some of these CDs I hadn’t listened to in years.  Besides I never actually listened to CDs anymore, I just listened to the ripped files through my computer.  So off they went on to eBay, I made about £60 and that certainly helped the end of January slip by more comfortably.

Even more precious to me than CDs was my books...  But a couple of weeks ago it dawned on me.  Although I had completed my dissertation on Hanif Kureishi in April/May 2001, I had not since then read any of his books I had used in my dissertation.  So for 8 years a whole section of precious shelf space had been dedicated to an author whose books I was no longer reading.  So I checked trusty eBay and amazon and discovered I had no chance of selling his books second-hand.  For a moment I thought ‘oh well I’ll just keep them’.  But why?  I’m not reading them...  So I looked through all of the titles.  Three I really enjoyed and would like to read again, but the rest?  They were in the Oxfam bookshop shortly after.  Once I got started on Kureishi it was easy for me to weed out the books I was keeping for sentimental value.

So now I have well over half a bookshelf of space – I can’t wait to fill it with some new books!

Then I came back to my CDs, yes I had gotten rid of all those CDs I wasn’t bothered about keeping, but had retained, my favourites, some of which were over ten years old...  And I came back to the realisation that I didn’t need them, the only thing holding me back was the fear of losing the files.  So at the moment a large chunk of my CDs are on sale on eBay, the money from which I fully intend to buy me a sleek & small external hard drive to keep it all safe.

I really can’t wait for it all to go!  Whatever doesn’t sell on eBay will go to charity and then I will have space!  Most exciting of all though has been the realisation that by getting rid of my CDs, I can remove the CD rack on my desk and with all the extra space I’ll be gaining, I will have a space to do some pattern cutting and room for my sewing machine to be permanently out and accessible!

So goodbye old CDs and books and hello new hobby and books!

Back!

I needed a break from here. 

I needed to be away from this part of me.

I had become so obsessed with my weight, that I was no longer losing pounds, but parts of myself.

The nice thing about it though was that it happened gradually.  Slowly I realised that being solely obsessed with losing weight was not healthy and it was f**king boring!  I just stopped coming here and spent more time in the 'real' world...  No drama, no tears, just the realisation that I need more in my life than a quest to be slim.  I know there have been a few anti-diet bloggers (there is a term for that but I've been away from this blogsphere so long I've forgotten!) who have tried to tell me that, but I'm stubborn, I do my best to ignore other people who tell me what to do.

Anyway so whilst I have been away from here I have been lazing around, chilling with my lovely boyfriend, hanging out with friends, been to Malta to see my family a couple of times and just generally enjoying my life. 

I've also been developing an interest in sewing, it is a real shame I didn't do it sooner, because my mum was a seamstress and she could have taught me loads, but of course I waited till she moved to Malta before it dawned on me just how cool it would be to make clothes.  That said on my last visit to Malta my mum showed me (again!) how to shorten trousers and it was really great that we worked on that together :) And!! I'm about to start a sewing course in which I will learn about using sewing machines and will make a bag, I'm really looking forward to it mainly because I'm scared of my sewing machine, so anything that will fill me with technical confidence is a plus!  I've got a couple of patterns on my desk and I can't wait to start work on them.  I got loads of books on sewing for Christmas so I have loads of ideas.

In terms of other hobbies, I joined an on-line reading group which has renewed my love of reading even though the first book we read was shockingly bad!  I'd love to do more writing, but am thinking just reading regularly again would be a positive start.

Anyway I'll stop rambling and get back to why this blog his here still.  My weight...

Unfortunately I have put some weight back on and physically it doesn't feel good.  My knees ache occasionally and I feel slower.  I'm still going the gym and walking as much as I can but I probably need to do more...  And as much as I hate to admit, I want to lose weight and continue towards my goal of 9 stone.  However under no circumstances can I allow it to take over my life again and as a result I don't actually have a plan about how I'm going to do it.

So I'm back.

...

A friend of mine a long time suggested that I should keep one blog about all aspects of my life rather than having separate ones.  At the time he suggested this I was dead set on compartmentalising my life and keeping dieting separate from everything else (plus stubborn as mentioned above!).  All that happened was I prioritised weight over everything else and I've hardly written a sausage in my other blogs.  Anyway in an attempt to maintain balance and not obsess I shall now write here about all of my other interests and life.  So James thanks for the advice on blog-writing, its only taken me 2-3 years to understand it :)

A quickie

Just a quick post to say a couple of things.

Firstly I'm still unsure of what path to go forward with so right now I'm just making sure I exercise and eat healthily.  I need more time to think things through clearly and there are other issues that I haven't written about which affect my decision which I will write here some time soon.

Secondly, please do read Kira Cochrane's latest piece in the reluctant dieter series, it is very funny.

And finally I would just like to say that Newlook lies.  A couple of weeks ago I was seeking a dress to wear to my friend's wedding, I picked up two dresses to try on.  As a size 16-18 I picked up one size 18 dress from their main range and another from their plus size inspire range, also size 18.  The Inspire dress I tried on first.  After fully zipping it up at the back, it fell off me.  I checked all of the labels and it definitely was a size 18.  So like I said Newlook lies!!!  Despite the lies, I bought the other dress which fitted me perfectly.

Progress Eludes Me

Its now over two years since I started changing my diet and exercise habits to lose weight. Although I had much initial success, losing well over 10% of my starting weight, I have been stalled for the last year and a half. I f**ked it all up for a while by being an abstainer/binger of chocolate and cakes. But its now four months since I had hypnotherapy to rid me of my cravings and it has worked far better than I could have ever imagined. I feel happy and at ease with my diet, I eat healthily but have occasional treats (in the savoury form) and the most surprising of all changes is that I now feel comfortable and able to exercise alone.

The odd thing is that I feel relatively happy with myself, I am comfortable with my diet and I feel masses healthier than I did at my heaviest. Although my lumps and bumps still occasionally make me feel uncomfortable, most of the time I am now happier with my appearance.

Whilst I would love to lose more weight, part of me also now feels, why bother? The truth is that to lose weight I would have invest masses of energy into meal planning and a dedicated exercise programme. Really what I want right now is my life back. I have spent a large amount of time and energy into changing myself, making me healthy and now I want some time back to work on other parts of me. I do realise that in order to maintain my weight I will have to do some work, but I have weighed the pretty much the same weight for the last year - surely this proof that I can continue to do this, especially now I exercise much more.

I think what I am trying to say is that I am at the crossroads.

What should I do?

Do I carry on trying to lose weight or accept that I am healthy as I can be and just get on with my life?

Your thoughts would be appreciated :)

I'm Healthy, I'm Changing but the Scales Stay the Same

As per usual I have been wrapped up with living, I've had no time to update here. Well when I say living I actually mean working, eating, exercising and sleeping. I'm still finding it very difficult to adapt to doing exercise on a regular basis. There is certainly a lack of consistency as far as the amount of exercise I do goes. Sometimes its 4-5 times a week of gym going and aquaerobics, other times its 1-2. I'd like to have more of a routine, but what about the nights you need to have an emergency starfucks/pub visit with best friend to talk? What about when boyfriend offers to take you out for dinner or to the cinema. I don't particularly want to write off my social life completely during the week, but I do feel more of a routine may help my dreadful energy levels.

I now weigh 12 stone five pounds so you can see I've made little progress over the last month, however people I haven't seen much lately keep telling me I look as though I've lost more weight. I'm really glad that despite the lack of weight shifting I am changing regardless. My tummy is shrinking, my back flab is disappearing and my arms which have I always hated seem to be smaller.

As far as food goes, I guess I'm still eating too much but in some ways I don't care. Ever since I've had hypnotherapy I feel liberated in terms of my diet. No longer obsessing over cakes and chocolate is wonderful. Food is both functional and a joy. When I want something interesting or bit exciting, I cook something tasty. When I want simple food its poached eggs on toast. I have also enjoyed just cooking for myself too, I seem to have a bit more time due to it and I think boyfriend prefers this way too! We've agreed to buy some staples together but will continue to eat our own food.

All of that aside I guess I still need to make some changes to my diet, it needs to be lower on quantity. I have no idea how many calories I currently consume. I think the major change diet-wise this month has been that I have drifted away from the GI diet and now eat 'healthily'. I've sticking to low gi principles of eating, but not adhering to rigidly to the GI Diet anymore, for example if I was to follow the GI diet I'd not eat eggs or bananas. Despite the lack of weight loss, I think moving away from the GI Diet is a good development for me. I'm grateful for good old Rick and his recipe books and ideas, but I feel I've grown up diet-wise enough now to fly away from the low GI nest.

Oh well, more tweaking changing and exercise is to be done, I am confident I'll get there in the end!

Going our separate food ways…

My boyfriend and I have shared our food for quite some time by both equally investing the same amount of money in it each month. However this month we are not and my half of our usual budget is all for me!

Recently with my new routine of going to the gym every evening I have started to realise that my eating patterns need to change. My diet changed 18 months back to adapt to the low gi way of eating and it now needs to shift again if I am to truly change my lifestyle to permanently accommodate exercise. My feeling is that I need to eat more during the day and less in the evening, which suits me just fine! Less time cooking in the evening equals more time to myself.

So this month I am experimenting, I will see week on week what I lose, if I lose anything at all! I'm going to keep a record of what I eat and what exercise I do (and how much time), I guess I'm hoping to see a pattern. This week's result I already know will be a load of b*****ks because the monthly evil is due and it always causes bizarre weight gains or losses. Anyway with all this experimentation the last thing I need to be worried about is someone else eating. Boyfriend and I have agreed that for this month we will feed ourselves, our larder full of tins, dried pulses and herbs/spices can be eaten by us both, but when its gone, well its in our bellies…

With this change I am feeling drawn to soups once again for dinner, but of the speedy variety, which involve no diary and will keep well in the fridge for a couple of days. Lately for lunch I've been having salad, new potatoes and a bean burger (taste just as good cold) for lunch, it is very tasty and easy but I think I need to vary my diet if lunch is to be my new main meal of the day. I shall consult my low gi cook books for ideas.

I shall keep here updated with my findings.

Weight Update

Last week I seemed to have got eating and exercise a bit better coordinated and I lost 2 pounds.

I haven't for a while kept here updated with my actual weight, it has fluctuated quite a bit so I will start with my weight four weeks ago when I had my sugar-zapping hypnotherapy, my weight that week was 12 stone and 11 pounds. On Saturday morning I weighed 12 stone and 6 pounds. Five pounds in four weeks is good progress, slow but at least I finally seem to be getting somewhere…

Finding Balance

Everything is good right now.

I go to the gym.   I work hard in the gym, I like pushing myself.

I don't eat sweet stuff, nor do I think about it or want it.  Cake is slug food as far as I am concerned.

However in 3 weeks I have lost 3 pounds, which is a bit dull really.  I wanted to report back that I had lost loads!

Trouble is though, that I am eating too much despite having kicked the cake habit.  Don't get me wrong I'm not eating loads, but I am eating too much caloriewise to make all this extra exercise count. 

The particular problem areas are my daily snacks and the time between exercising and eating dinner, I'm eating stuff like peanut butter on toast before going to the gym because I am absoutely starving when I get home from work. My snacks at work, although healthy are also quite calorific.

It seems that I need to find a balance between what I'm eating and when I'm eating it. So I'm making the following resolutions:

• I'll only eat one low gi scone a day
• If I am starving before going to the gym/aqua aerobics/yoga I shall eat a banana and drink a bottle of water
• I will embrace savoury healthy snacks, carrots, tomatoes and nuts (small amount of course) will be my new friends
• I will go to the gym as soon as possible after work and not "just check hotmail/ebay etc" before realising its 6:40 and thinking S**t!

Hopefully these changes will help get my weightloss going again...

Anyone seen some D Cups? Mine have gone missing...

After my initial couple of stone weight loss way back, everything shrank rather scarily.

Six and a half inches disappeared from my waist and three from my bosom, however my cup size remained the same, infact many of bras fitted even better than before.

So I assumed that this meant flab from back and sides had gone. My D cups for now, were safe. New bras were bought and for a while I felt the best I had done in ages.

Lately though I've felt unsettled about my appearance. I hate most of my clothes, they are still new, strange and I believe that they are all transitory so not worth getting attached to. Many items have been bought to replace clothes I had before, but they are just not the same any more. And my belly has been looking huge.

Last week I tried on a bra I don't wear too often. My boobs just didn't sit right in it. There was too much space and certainly no oomph…

So last weekend I went and got measured at marks and spencers. It seems that I have lost a cup size. This also explains why my belly has seemed so big, its now much easier to see that its not protected by a huge bosom.

It is a bit annoying though because I had previously built up quite a stock of bras in my old size. But regardless there is action to be taken…

So...

My underway drawers have been emptied.

There are bras going to charity and new hardly worn bras going to ebay.

I have three D cup bras which fit okay, I will be using these till Friday when some C cup bra shopping will commence.

Hypnotherapy: My bad relationship with sugar is finally over

WARNING: I do not recommend reading the post below if you are eating.

Last Thursday I was miserable.

Despite now comfortably using a gym and going to exercise classes, I still wasn't losing any weight.

And I was at battle with myself, constantly…

I wanted sweet things, cake, chocolate and ice-cream. But I also wanted to lose weight and the two of them are just not compatible, especially as once I had one cup cake or Twix or ben and jerrys, I just wanted more.

Abstaining from sweet stuff was hard.

As soon as I stopped eating it, all I could do was think about it. And then it was on my mind all of the time, I need that Twix with my cup of tea, I've been to the gym so I can go to starbucks and get a cup cake - I deserve it.

I was exhausted by needing, wanting and having sugar. I was fed up of feeling that way, all the time.

…

And then a miracle happened.

I went to hypnotherapy.

Rambled all of the above, in uber fast Rachel-talking speed to the poor hypnotherapist, barely having time to breathe between words.

I wanted sugar out of my life for good.

Somewhere in my intentions to fix my diet and health - I screwed up. A normal relationship with sugar is not something I can have anymore.

So the hypnotherapist did his thing. He used NLP and hypnosis. I was asked to talk about a food I disliked and a choc/cake/ice-cream that I liked.

I thought of steak & kidney puddings (dislike) and of twixes (liked - in the past sense, because I don't anymore).

Fortunately for me I have a rather traumatic memory of a steak & kidney pudding as a child. This was no ordinary steak & kidney pud, it came from my Dad's army ration pack and there was probably dog in it rather than steak. It was revolting. The texture of the bits of kidney in that pie did and still do make me shudder. It was like slugs.

And that’s it. Sugar addiction all gone. I don't waste time obsessing about sweet stuff any more, it doesn't pop into my head constantly. There are times when I notice the absence of my addiction and in those moments when I try to think of one of my former sweet favourites, I see them in my head looking all perfect and then a giant, ugly slimy grey slug on them. And there is no f**king way I'm going to eat sluggy sweets ever again.

I haven't eaten any sweet things for seven days now, normally that would have taken an enormous amount of will power. But this last week has been a breeze. Eating healthily now is so easy, spending time making healthy food doesn't seem the chore it did before when my energy levels were riddled with extreme highs and lows.

I really, really love this.

I hope it lasts.