Update: Head Stuff - Chavs & FA Blogs

In my absence from here I have been processing a lot of thoughts lately.

It was started off by incident on valentines day.  I was walking home from work when some knob head chavs on a bus threw a ball of paper at the back of my head and yelled f***y (the censorship is for my sanity). 

At home I cried because these boys had shattered my bubble.  Whilst I am still a million miles away from being slender, since losing two stone I have felt more 'normal' if there is such a thing.  The whole incident seemed to crush the feeling of being normal, I felt like I was right back where I started two years ago after seeing my doctor who made me cry.  Then later I was still distressed because I was so angry and upset that the whole thing got to me.  My uber critical side was pissed off with me.  I spent the rest of the evening upset and wishing that I could be invisable and I know that part of my desire to be lighter is so that I will blend in and disappear, if I can't be seen nothing or no-one can hurt me right?

...

Fortunately I was able to put the whole chav incident behind me quite quickly and I still feel 'normal', a lack of progress weightloss-wise isn't bothering me much, but as per normal I am still keen to lose the rest of the weight I aim to.

However I also started thinking about why several of the blogs I regularly read are fat acceptance blogs? Both of the two I read are vehemently against dieting, simply because it doesn't work.  So why I was I reading them? 

I read them because I like what they have to say.  As someone who has spent their whole punishing myself for being fat, they are a refreshing read and although I fully intend to carry on with my mission to be lighter, I am pissed off and fed up with the world for making me feel so crap all my life in the first place.  I've hated my fatness since I was 7 years old because 'other people' have made me feel like shit and thats further compounded my own uber self critical self.

Reading the fat acceptance blogs makes me feel better about the dire state of the world I and all other women live in because there has to be an uprising and verbalised discontent before there can be a revolution right?

For me, as I have also said here before obesity is a complex issue for women.  I know that heavier I was and felt really unhealthy, uncomfortable and unhappy.  Two stone lighter I am definitely healthier, more comfortable with myself but still obese, interestingly there are times when I think that it would be okay to stay as I am now.  But I remain committed to reaching the elusive nine stone, despite often feeling okay, there are just as many times that I feel like a fat blimp and promise myself that I will lose more weight.

I think the FA blogs would probably say I am still clinging to the fantasy of being thin.  I suspect they are right but I can't see anyway I can undo my feelings and desire to be lighter still.  In addition to being highly self critical, I am also an idealist and optimist, I can't help but want the best for myself, which in terms of my health is being lighter and more active, I don't want to go through the rest of my life being disassociated with my body because I hate it (I'm not suggesting thats what the FA Movement endorses, but its the only way I could be okay with myself as I am). 

I don't know how to undo my idealistic and optimistic tendencies, plus in the list of very few things that I like about myself, they both rate very highly, despite having received many batterings throughout my life.  Without wanting to sound too much like a hippy, my optimism and idealism feel right, are part of me and they get me through everything.  I'm not going to break that just to try and be comfortable.

I guess I am not ready yet to let go of my secret desire to be invisible, I'm just so worn down from being made to feel so bad about being me.

...

My statement above is the very reason why we need FA blogs why I'll keep reading them.

(Although I felt very sad writing this latest entry, as I was writing the last sentence, media player randomly decided to play Mika's Big Girl You are Beautiful, which really cheered me up).

Comments

[Di]

I've been thinking a lot about the fat acceptance scenario myself, and what I've decided is that it's really about getting into the right headspace: it's not fat acceptance, really, it's self-acceptance, and we live in a world where women are actively discouraged from accepting themselves for fear it will lead to "laziness" when it would really free us to actually achieve our full potential.