I'm overweight and I hate it. In my head I've always been oveweight but when I see pictures of me from years back I do wonder if that was the case. Whilst I have never have been skinny, I can't say in all certainity I was really was overweight when I was younger. I never weighed myself then because I was afraid of what I would see on the scales.
According to my BMI I am obese, I know I weigh fourteen stone something. I am afraid to know what the something is and so I have avoided weighing myself recently. Last September I discovered I weighed 14 stone and 9 pounds - I was horrified. By the end of November I had managed to lose the nine pounds which made me feel immensly better. But since then I have failed to lose any more and when I have occasionally weighed myself it is always in the region of 14 stones 1-3 pounds.
I know that exercise is the key for me. I had good intentions of going running recently, but I was scared to aswell. I feel incredibly self conscious and fear that if I go running someone will laugh at me wobbling about. That pisses me off. Society/media is happy to point the finger at fat people, make us feel bad about our weight - but rather than inspriring me to run to the gym, I just want to hide.
Gyms in my mind are not places for overweight people. They seem to be filled with highly toned gorgeous people. It is the same with exercise classes. For a long time I have pinned my hopes of weight loss on playing squash with my boyfriend. But the reality is playing squash takes time and costs money - I cannot expect him to be free constantly, nor do I have the cash to play everyday. I have every intention of playing squash when I can (once a week is realistic), but in order to lose weight I'm gonna need to do more exercise than that.
Of course I know that a lot of my fears here are paranoia and I really do fight them but I can't help but feel that the media portrays a one sided view of obesity. It is very much 'look at the cost of obesity on the NHS', 'X% of society is obese' or 'tax the fat' - there seems to be no support - just attack. Whilst I appreciate there must be some people out there who are happy with shape over weight/obese/whatever - I am sure there must also be a lot of other people like me who desperately want to change themself, but lack the will too. We need support, not criticism.
So anyway tonight me and my boyfriend are to go exploring some stairs near my street... If they go high up (and seem safe), I intend to get up in the mornings and walk up and down them a few times as stairs to wear me out and I won't have to feel quite so self conscious. Will keep you posted as to how it goes.
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