Changing

During the last week I've been elated, depressed and angry.

Some careless comments reduced me to tears.

I feel better now.

It all started because I was thinking too much!  I started to fear that I would screw the diet up and not exceed my previous dieting record of losing ten pounds.  The realisation that there can be no going back and leaving a comfort zone disturbed me.

I hadn't acknowledged how safe I felt in being overweight.  It's strange to think that you can almost find comfort in the things you long to change in yourself.  I want to be healthy more than anything else right now, but changing is scaring me.  Perhaps I am terrified to have faith in myself because failure now would crush me.

I think thats it.  I am daring myself to believe that I can actually get where I want to be and f**king it up is terrifying.

Adding to my emotional seesaw of a week someone made some blunt comments which brought me down lower than I have felt in ages.  But then as if magically some things happened which redeemed me.  My boss hugged me and with tears in her eyes telling me I done a wonderful job in her absence and that I am ready to move on... And I received a paid creative writing commission.

Feeling tired and 'normal' today which is a relief.  Haven't had the chance to weigh myself, so not sure what (if any) loss I had last week.  Will have to try to do so tomorrow...